Free education... Not so much

To get the much needed education many jobs require it cost money. In December I will be graduating with my Bachelors degree but it is bitter sweet. I will be a college graduate again, but my debt for student loans is now equal to 30,000 dollars!!! I find it insane that a college education costs about as much as my house does!!! I only attended for two years instead of four and still owe this amount of money. Also thanks for our current president I have to pay it off in 10 years! Even if I get a good paying job for my field (human services) it still won't be enough money to live on plus pay for the loans.

So soon I will have a bachelors and. I way to pay back my student loans. It is just crazy to me that we are being penalized for trying to further our education. Something is not right here!

Blogging... the public diary...

Instead of hiding our diary under the mattress or putting an easily opened lock on it, we have decided to broadcast our thoughts and opinions to friends, family, and strangers. Welcome to blogging!!!

Blogging is filled with emotions of life including the pain, sad days, and the happiness. Instead of writing it down on a sheet of paper and finding a good hiding spot many of us have decided to allow others to read our thoughts. Our intimate thoughts that go on in our heads but feel like they should be heard.

Many of my thoughts are expressed to me and to my blog. I have several very close friends and a husband who would pretend to listen to my rambling but really why bother when I can just blog about it. Also, if someone takes the time to read my blog than obviously I have caught their attention in some way which saves my friends. So thanks to my blog readers, I am sure my friends are grateful.  

 I blog about my fears and I blog about things I would not be able to say in person without offending the general population that surrounds me. It is amazing how much people get offended by something that does not even concern them, nor relate to them. My job requires me to distance myself from the tragedy faced by many I speak with. I am able to do so without many problems. It may be cruel but... if it does not affect my life then I do not think I should worry about it. Now I say this in reference to things I deal with. No things like world hunger and abused children. When it comes to those issues I believe it should be everyone's problem. Back to the whole reason for the ramble here... people get offended by facebook status updates, twitter updates, blog entries, and the list goes on. Seriously... who cares!! I say, get over yourself. The person who posted it was very likely NOT thinking about you, so stop thinking it is about you!

Statistics Don't Mean Much To Me

So, my anniversary is coming up. My husband and I got married when we were both 20 years old and will celebrate 6 years in November. It has not been the easiest years of my life but the challenges have made me grow as a person.

My husband and I were married the first of November and found out we were expecting our first child around 5 days after we said I do. There was not a “honey moon” phase because we immediately needed to grow up. Of course I found it was much easier for a woman to do than a man.

We welcomed our son into the world in July 2007. Having a new baby and a new marriage at the same time was not in our plan, but sometimes our plans are not right anyway. So we were then 21, newly married, and with a newborn child and things were rough. I won’t go into detail because this is a public blog, but I will just say that lies can kill marriages really quick.

Both of us lied to the other and did things behind the other’s back. No one can claim they were perfect except our child. Although we continued to stay together for years after the struggle we did have a brief two week separation last year. In those two weeks I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted in life.

I wanted a husband who made me feel butterflies, and made me feel like romance novels proclaim love should “feel” like. But I had a husband who loved me, who was a good father, who was honest, loyal, and who was my best friend. It was not my husband who caused the final straw to break but me and my unrealistic ideas of what should be.

Real love is not like a romance novel or the movies. Real love is what happens in real life. The respect you have for someone, the loyalty you feel for them, and the happiness they bring into your life.

I am glad my husband and I decided to work through everything we have been through. Although obstacles will still come up I can guarantee it will NEVER be like it was before and we will work together to make it through the next ones. We will not become part of the statistic.

Statistics:

If you're a married American, your marriage is between 40 and 50 percent likely to end in divorce.

If your parents were divorced, you're at least 40 percent more likely to get divorced than if they weren't. If your parents married others after divorcing, you're 91 percent more likely to get divorced. (our parents are divorced and got re-married)

Yes.. I am from Kansas...

http://continueretry.wordpress.com/2010/02/01/fck-you-im-from-kansas/

Stupidity Does Not Remove us From the Grace of God

Suicide is not an option. We do not have the right to take our own lives. That belongs to God. But.... stupidity does not remove us from the grace of God.

Due to recent circumstances and prior ones I have been reading up on suicide being the unforgivable sin or not. According to the bible their is only one sin that is unforgivable and it can be found in Matthew 12:22-32. I know several catholics believe that suicide is a sure way into hell, but I have found information on the contrary. All sins are forgivable by God if forgiveness is asked for. The problem I see is if someone commits suicide it is too late to ask for forgiveness because the act has already been committed. So, it is up to God whether they are able to walk into the gates of Heaven or if they have to suffer eternity in hell. The only thing I know for sure, is it not my call to make and I am glad.

Suicide has once again forced itself into my life. I say forced because that is exactly how it feels. Life was continuing how it was supposed to when someone decided to take it into their own hands. They no longer wanted to live the life that God had planned for them, nor were they willing to wait until God decided their time was up. They made their own decision. Granted God did give us the right to make choices but I do not think this was the choice we were supposed to be taking.

Life can be hard, life can be tragic, life can be demanding, life can be frustrating... but life can also be happy, wonderful, and full of love. At what point do we decide enough is enough?? I don't think we should be able to make that decision. Who are we to take lives... including our own!!!

I have always seen, and always will see suicide as a selfish thing. I know their are some instances when suicide seems to be the best option. For example, someone who is ate up with cancer and suffering every minute of their life, or someone who is being continuously tortured. However, depression should not be a good reason to take your own life. There is medication, professionals, friends, family, and God to lean on so why take the easy way out with a bullet, pills, or knife?

I know suicide will continue no matter what my feelings are, but I wish people who see that there is help out there. There is something more to life that what you are currently feeling!! And once again....

Suicide is not an option. We do not have the right to take our own lives. That belongs to God. But.... stupidity does not remove us from the grace of God.

 

i hope you r.i.p. tommy... you made the decision this time, but God has the final one

Just the Beginning

Growing up I have always loved children and knew one day I wanted to have three children of my own. I wanted three because I come from a family of three children. When I say a family of three children I mean generations of three children. My mother and father both came from a family of three children, and my mother also had three children of her own. So, I also thought I would have three children of my own.

My boyfriend and I thought we wanted to start having children at 18 so we wouldn’t be too old to play with our children. So basically we were not the smartest kids! Thankfully we did not get pregnant until I was 20. When I became pregnant it was three days before my wedding, and I found out after returning from my honeymoon. The new chapter of my life became very quickly overwhelming. I was newly married and soon to become a mother.

As my friends were going out to party and celebrate their 21st birthdays, I was working, sleeping, and getting fat. On my 21st birthday I was almost 5 months pregnant so my celebration was a couple sips of wine with my husband and a few friends. As the months dragged on I started to lose touch with my friends who were able to go out on their own and started to resent my unborn child. I would lie on the couch rubbing my belly and think about my life. I was 21 years old, newly married, employed full time on a midnight shift, still taking college courses, and I was pregnant. I had a tiny human being growing inside me. It was so surreal I never gave the unborn child much thought.

My mother threw me a baby shower where hardly anyone could be bothered to show up and I started to accumulate stuff for this thing… this child. People kept giving me clothes, diapers, and all the other necessary things for the kid. I had a whole closet full of things and a crib bought by my mother in law. I was set to welcome this child into the world. Well, I had the stuff for the kid, but I did not have the mindset.

                Born July 16, 2007 my son was that wiggling, crying, red looking thing they removed from my body. They took it out, weight it, wiped it off, and stuck it on my chest. My husband and I gave him the name Talan Kain as we had agreed upon a couple months into my pregnancy.   I thought there would be this instant connection that people talk about. Instead I was just looking at it for a couple minutes before the rest of my family came in. Talan was passed around from family member to family member and I was glad I did not have to hold him again.

                I was tired and ready for some sleep but the nurses brought in the baby and said he would have to sleep in my room so I could learn how to get up with him. They were not kidding about having to get up with the kid. He would cry every couple of hours and my husband would just continue to snore in the chair next to the bed. So, I got up with my “too many to count” stitches, bulging hemorrhoids, bleeding vaginal area, and a bladder that could hold no more than a sip of water to feed this wailing thing. The nurses came in the next day to get him so I could get some rest, but sure enough they brought him back again the next night. It was the same thing that night too.

By the third day it was time to go home. Home, where I could not call a nurse if I needed help. Home, where my snoring husband would sleep through everything. Home, where I had to have this kid by myself. My anxiety level was through the ceiling but I told no one. I plastered a smile on my face like I was happy to be a mother and headed home. I still had 5 more weeks to be off work before I needed to return to help with the family income. Within the first couple of days of being home I dropped 30 pounds instantly. I went to the doctor who thought I had a thyroid problem, which was not the case. He gave me a list of symptoms for post-partum and I took them home. When my husband got home from work we went over them and I told him I thought I was suffering from several on the lists. He assured me I was not so I kept on trying to be a mother.

I would feed him when I was supposed to and change him when he needed it. Sometimes I would sit on the couch and hold him but mostly I put him in a swing or bouncer seat. I still did not feel the connection I was supposed to. I would sometimes have dreams about him dying of SIDS and what I would do without a child. Then I would wake up in a panic and check on him.

When he we almost 6 weeks old I returned to work. I was ready to be away from the baby! Instead of getting the break I so desperately needed I got less sleep and less help. I would work from midnight to 8am then come home to take care of the baby. Usually he would sleep til 9 so I had about an hour of sleep before I had to be up with him all day. My husband would get home at 4 something, but was usually unavailable to watch the baby, so I continued on with little sleep. Most of the time when I finally got the baby down for the night I would get a couple more hours before having to be back at work.

My husband then started to tell me the baby never woke up and slept through the night. I was very excited he was sleeping through the night at only 6 weeks old because I needed sleep on my days off. As I soon came to find out, he was not sleeping through the night, my husband was. So even on my days off I averaged a couple hours of sleep a day. It was the most exhausting time.

 It took several months for me to form a connection with my son, but once it was there it could never be broken. Endless feedings became a time for me to snuggle him and changing his diapers were a chance to try and make him smile instead of cry. Motherhood began to take on a new light and that light keep me going on the little sleep I was continuing to get. The years began to pass and the time began to fly. To remember all of the little things I began to scrapbook and make notes. My son became my whole world and my constant source of laughter.

Although things started out a bit rocky and required some deep soul searching, they have turned into the best years of my life.

Memorial Day Flowers... For me... or For you??

I am 26 years old and I already have two huge bags full of flowers for graves. Every year I visit the places my friends and family were buried and I place fake flowers by their headstones. To many it is a sign of respect to the dead. To me it is a reminder of how much I missed them.

I missed having Josh in my class and sitting behind him while he talked about Utah Jazz. I missed having Jason in my class being loud and crazy! I miss having Kyle walk through my yard or stopping to ask if I wanted to play football. I miss Briar and his sense of humor and Kandy and her love for Christ. I miss Lisa and her smile from the second pew. I miss Mark and his ability to just be around when I was playing with his daughter, I miss Craig and the joy he brought to his son's lives, I miss Zeb and Justin and their friendship with my brother, I miss Tracy and her love for her small little girl, I miss Grandpa, everything about him, Nick THE soldier :)  the list goes on... There are so many people that have graced us with their presence for 40 years and some who graced us with 10 years.

Out of respect for them we place flowers on their graves even though we know there is nothing there. Under that headstone is dirt which covers the casket that holds the bones. But the bones are just bones, the ashes are just ashes. I know they are in heaven now having more joy they we can ever imagine. I just hope they are saving a place for me!!!