One word cannot describe who I am. I am very complex but simple, loud but quiet... I am a constant contradiction to myself.

Friday, December 28, 2012

No Shame in My Game

As the year is coming to an end I find myself looking back at what I have done. Have I done anything significant? Maybe I have. I have taken time to play with my son. When I say play I do not mean be at home while he plays in his room. I mean getting on the floor and playing games. We have played cards, board games, cars, and of course the ever so blessedly invented Legos. It may not be significant to others, but it certainly was to me.
I have made my life by working hard and continue to do so. I look at my 5 year old son and smile because he is a part of me. His laugh is contagious and his sense of humor is fantastic. I am not even sure how I received such a large blessing but I am forever grateful to God for thinking I did deserve him.
I have also taken time to have a few date nights with my husband. Although those have been few and far between they were still important to me. Once we went to see a movie and he slept through the whole thing. Although I found myself wondering why I just paid 8 dollars for him to have a nap. I realized he was tired and probably did not want to go but went anyway for me. Thus making it significant to me.
As my life has passed by quickly and not without pain I also know I am the cause of some of that pain. I have hurt people in my life and will forever be sorry. However, I do not regret the mistakes I made. The mistakes made me and continue to make me who I am. I would not be me without my flaws mixed in. I think things would be easier and love would flow with more ease, but life it what you make it. There are things I have done that I would never want anyone to know, but if someone asks me about it, the truth they shall receive. I cannot hide from things I have done because they would be sure to sneak up on me. My life now is wonderful and past offenses are forgotten because there is no shame in my game.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I Am Getting You NOTHING For Christmas

Ah Christmas. The time of year we all spend hundreds of dollars to buy gifts for people who probably only see once a year. I find myself thinking about getting them nothing. Not to be malicious or rude but just because what is the point? I buy them some little thing that I can barely afford, they say thank you, and then we do not speak again until the next Christmas. Usually the gift I get them is something they will never even use, because how am I suppose to know about their life when we only see each other that one time I year.
                Now the kids are different right? Everyone buys for kids. The problem there is I cannot ever remember how old they are, or what their names are, because as stated before, I see them once a year. I walked into Christmas dinner today and my niece looked at me and said, “Who are you?” I looked back at her and said, “Don’t worry you only see me once a year.” Now, as I talk about this I am talking about extended family that lives farther away. The family that lives close I know them, and see them often so it is easier to buy for them.
                But.. why am I buying gifts? I can barely afford to get my son the three gifts he gets from “santa” every year. So, it may make some people mad this year or they may not even care but they aren’t getting gifts from me. I will make something to bring to dinner and that will be my contribution.
                Gifts for Christmas are becoming more and more over rated. My son is 5 years old and since he was born he has gotten three gifts from Christmas. Why? Because Jesus received three gifts. It also helps since I do not have a lot of money to spend on Christmas gifts. So, Happy Birthday Jesus, I just hope people can realize the Jesus is the reason for Christmas, not presents, trees, and lights.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Does It Count??

So, I recentley recieved an e-mail that I was now "published"... I sent in an essay in October of last year and just recieved an e-mail that they have decided to publish what I wrote on their website. The website is which is really a website full of essays written by every day people. Some of the essays are read on the radio and some published in books.

So, my question here is does it really count as being "published" if it is online? Technically I can say my blog is published because it is seen by more than just me, but I don't think it counts. So, I now have an essay floating around the internet with my name on it, and the city I live in. Honestly, I feel pretty awesome about it, since I LOVE to write. BUT... I also think about how many other people are "published" online and how it really doesn't take much.

Below is the essay I wrote. Any and all feedback would be great!! Thanks!

The Past Does Not Define
            As I walked into my father’s kitchen I would always glance at the wall to see if it was there. If it was in its place I would hurry past and not look back twice. Getting to the other side of the room out of its view was the goal in my mind every time I walked into the kitchen. When I was at the other side of the room, I would then scan the table, counters, floors, and cabinets to make sure everything was cleaned off, wiped down, closed, and no crumbs were on the floor. If something was not clean I would hurry to get it done, so it would not have to come. At this time I was seven years old and counting down the days before I could return to my mother’s house. At my mother’s house there was never an it. My mother ruled her house with discipline but never raised her hand or anything else to get her point across. My father on the other hand had it but when it was not available he found whatever was handy.
            For years I lived in fear of it. I never knew when it would strike or what would cause it to come off the wall. The littlest things made it come into action. One time the dishes were taken out of the dish washer and put up in the cabinets like they were supposed to be. My father then came in to get a drink; he grabbed a glass out of the cabinet and walked with it to the refrigerator, open the refrigerator door, grabbed the pitcher of tea, brought it to the glass, but instead of pouring the tea he placed the pitcher back in the refrigerator. My siblings and I watched him wondering what happened. We watched him put the glass on the counter and reach for it. It is about a foot long, 2 inches thick, made of wood, and wrapped in electrical tape, and now it was in the hands of my father. The reason it was taken down is because the glass had water spots on it, and we should have known better than to put it up in the cabinet like that. All of the kids were lined up shoulder to shoulder in the kitchen and I remember my father yelling “Who did this? Who did the dishes? If no one steps forward, you will all get it.” My eldest step-sister stepped forward and took the fall. She was hit with it several times before my father placed it back on the wall and went to his room.
            For years I lived in terror of going to my father’s house and having to see it. When I was nine years old my father’s house burned down and it went with it. Through the next years punishments range from being hit with a board, limb, wooden spoons, spatulas, or anything else my father found. One time all of us kids were found playing tag in Wal-Mart and when we got home we were all hit with a water hose. Bruises were covered, mouths stayed shut, and the abuse continued. At the age of twelve I told my mother I would never return to my father’s house again and years of abuse, anger, rage, and pain came out of my mouth as I told her of the years I had endured. My mother told me I would never have to return to my father, and I would never have to see him again.
 Although, she thought she could prevent me from ever seeing him she could not. When I was thirteen years old and my sister was fourteen my father showed up at our house. We were alone in the house, but my mother was just up the road at work. My sister went out to speak with him, and told him she would not be going with him to his house. She tried to run into the house and made it to the door way. My sister was clinging to the door frame as my father tried to pull her to his truck. I ran to the phone called my mother, and she came flying into the driveway once someone got to her work to take over for her. But she was not quick enough. My sister never learned how to hold her tongue and just let my father talk. She began to back talk him and he pulled back his arm, made a fist, and punched her in the face. When my mother arrived she yelled at him and he was gone, but he left behind my sister with her swollen eye that was beginning to turn black. My father did not need it to terrify anyone; it was just a tool on the wall. The man who was the power behind it was the real reason we lived in fear. I did not fear it, I feared my father. I feared the abuse, the unknown, and feared having children of my own and being like him.
Throughout my life I have found myself getting angry to the point of wanting to hit something, or someone. I built a wall around myself and never allowed anyone in my wall. I was often accused of being mean and cold heart. My junior year of high school, I walked into my English class and my teacher said “I thought that was you. I could feel the cold breeze from your heart.” Although, this hurt me deeply no one knew because my wall was made of cement and NO ONE would break me. I played sports through high school, participated in clubs, went on dates, went to church but I was just going through the motions of life. The abuse I suffered when I was younger affected my personal relationships and caused me to always have my guard up. It was a factor in everything in my life.
To release my anger I started to sing and give. I gave money, time, clothes, my voice, and anything else that was asked of me. I began to spend time with children who had been removed from abused homes. I slept on the floor of an old Nun school just to spend two weeks with children in downtown St. Louis. I have climbed mountains of trash bags to find a pair of pants for a homeless man. Recently I traveled to Haiti to help with surgeries, and was also asked to sing for their Sunday church service. No one in the church spoke the same language I did so they did not hear the words to the song, but it did not matter. The thing with music and giving is that it is a universal language.  
I am no longer the child that was abused. My wall was slowly torn down by the people I was able to give to. I may have given them clothes, or money but what I got in return was a crack in my wall. Each person made a crack in my wall to help it come down. I was able to look at my life, and be proud of who I am. I am no longer someone who floats through life; I have taken hold and not letting go. I feel as though I worked through the existential approach with the help of people around me. I did not see a therapist, counselor, or anyone else but I now have harmony in my life, and I am happy.
The past does not define me… the past does not define me… the past does NOT define me!!!! Since I grew up in an abusive household I thought I would continue with the cycle, but that is not me and never will be. “The evidence suggests that the United States will face increased levels of serious violent crime (murders, rapes, and assaults) at the hands of abused children when they reach their mid-to late-teenage years” ( “In one study, 26 percent of incarcerated delinquents who had committed murder had experienced physical abuse” ( The woman I am now is a wife and mother, and I no longer worry about the abuse continuing through me. I am the end of the cycle, and the past does not define me. I refuse to let the past define me.

References: (1997). Child Abuse Info. Retrieved 20 October 2011 from
Corey, G. (2009). Thoery and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. (E. Edition, Ed.) Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Do They Deserve A 2nd Chance?

Along with my full time job I also work a part-time job as a child/family advocate. So I often see children who have been sexually abused. One of my classmates made a comment that molesters are “scum bags” and my teacher responding by asking if I thought the same thing since I worked within that population. She also asked if I thought they could be rehabilitated. Honestly I work with the victims, not the molesters so my opinion is probably going to lean more towards the welfare of the child.
I don’t think all molesters are scum bags. In fact, there are several perps who are children themselves and I think there is definitely a chance for rehabilitation with them. They are just children even though they are hurting children. But I also struggle with what age should they be considered an adult? For instance, if a 15 yr old rapes an 11 yr old time and time again over a 4 year period.. should they suffer the consequences an adult would? There are many questions that arise when dealing with child sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. Most of the time they are hard to prosecute so clouser or “justice” is harder to get in turn making it harder on the victim. Also in my state the victim has to testify in court. We can no longer use transcripts or videos.
The adult offenders… my opinion… scum bags. I am not talking about the 18 yr old that had sex with a 15 yr old and is now a registered offender. The person made a stupid choice and now must live with it. I am talking about a man or woman who knowingly molests a child. A man who rapes an 18 month old and then kills him, a father who attempts to sodomize his 4 yr old son, an uncle who feels up on his niece, a grandfather who rapes his granddaughter… these people are scum. They should not get the chance for rehabilitation. I do not think they deserve it. I think they deserve to be locked away and endure the pain they caused their victims. But I am not the judge… They will have to face the judge of all one day and face the real consequences.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

To Upgrade or Stay...

So, I am currently struggling with a decision in reference to my car. I currently own a 2005 Pontiac G6 GT Sedan that I have loved since I bought it almost 6 years ago. I have put some money into it for minor things, keep up with the oil changes, and try to keep good tires on her. Now she is experiencing several problems. Check engine light on due to an evap problem, leaking oil, and just recently the power steering decides to randomly go out. I have also did some research and apparently this is a large problem and can cause bigger problems, just has wrecks. But of course GM found no reason to do a recall for this....

So, I can put 1,500 dollars into her and hope nothing else goes wrong. Mind you, she has 121,000 miles on her. Or I can look into buying a new car. Of course paying the 1500 would be less than a new car and there would be no payment required. BUT.. what if I put in 1500 and then the motor goes out?? I basically lit 1500 dollars on fire.

New cars... are expensive!!!!! I just cannot imagine paying 22,000 dollars for a car!! I only paid a bit more than that for the house I live in. I cannot believe we are paying this much for cars. I know you say... how about a used one. Well, I am all about a used car... but they are around 15,000 dollars. May as well pay the extra 5 grand and get a car no one has ever had before, and a car with no hidden issues. Also, car dealers are sleazy... I am afraid of getting a piece of crap, or something that runs great until the warranty goes out.

Research, research, research... that is what I am doing right now. Looking at cars and what people think about them and the things that go wrong with them. And I am seeing a trend... those cheap cars (8000 or so) are not lasting long at all. So, I am now on the hunt for a 4 dr car, good gas mileage (around 30 mph or more), no too expensive, great reviews, and lasts awhile.... good luck right.... :P

Friday, August 3, 2012

Free education... Not so much

To get the much needed education many jobs require it cost money. In December I will be graduating with my Bachelors degree but it is bitter sweet. I will be a college graduate again, but my debt for student loans is now equal to 30,000 dollars!!! I find it insane that a college education costs about as much as my house does!!! I only attended for two years instead of four and still owe this amount of money. Also thanks for our current president I have to pay it off in 10 years! Even if I get a good paying job for my field (human services) it still won't be enough money to live on plus pay for the loans.

So soon I will have a bachelors and. I way to pay back my student loans. It is just crazy to me that we are being penalized for trying to further our education. Something is not right here!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Blogging... the public diary...

Instead of hiding our diary under the mattress or putting an easily opened lock on it, we have decided to broadcast our thoughts and opinions to friends, family, and strangers. Welcome to blogging!!!

Blogging is filled with emotions of life including the pain, sad days, and the happiness. Instead of writing it down on a sheet of paper and finding a good hiding spot many of us have decided to allow others to read our thoughts. Our intimate thoughts that go on in our heads but feel like they should be heard.

Many of my thoughts are expressed to me and to my blog. I have several very close friends and a husband who would pretend to listen to my rambling but really why bother when I can just blog about it. Also, if someone takes the time to read my blog than obviously I have caught their attention in some way which saves my friends. So thanks to my blog readers, I am sure my friends are grateful.  

 I blog about my fears and I blog about things I would not be able to say in person without offending the general population that surrounds me. It is amazing how much people get offended by something that does not even concern them, nor relate to them. My job requires me to distance myself from the tragedy faced by many I speak with. I am able to do so without many problems. It may be cruel but... if it does not affect my life then I do not think I should worry about it. Now I say this in reference to things I deal with. No things like world hunger and abused children. When it comes to those issues I believe it should be everyone's problem. Back to the whole reason for the ramble here... people get offended by facebook status updates, twitter updates, blog entries, and the list goes on. Seriously... who cares!! I say, get over yourself. The person who posted it was very likely NOT thinking about you, so stop thinking it is about you!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Statistics Don't Mean Much To Me

So, my anniversary is coming up. My husband and I got married when we were both 20 years old and will celebrate 6 years in November. It has not been the easiest years of my life but the challenges have made me grow as a person.
My husband and I were married the first of November and found out we were expecting our first child around 5 days after we said I do. There was not a “honey moon” phase because we immediately needed to grow up. Of course I found it was much easier for a woman to do than a man.
We welcomed our son into the world in July 2007. Having a new baby and a new marriage at the same time was not in our plan, but sometimes our plans are not right anyway. So we were then 21, newly married, and with a newborn child and things were rough. I won’t go into detail because this is a public blog, but I will just say that lies can kill marriages really quick.
Both of us lied to the other and did things behind the other’s back. No one can claim they were perfect except our child. Although we continued to stay together for years after the struggle we did have a brief two week separation last year. In those two weeks I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted in life.
I wanted a husband who made me feel butterflies, and made me feel like romance novels proclaim love should “feel” like. But I had a husband who loved me, who was a good father, who was honest, loyal, and who was my best friend. It was not my husband who caused the final straw to break but me and my unrealistic ideas of what should be.
Real love is not like a romance novel or the movies. Real love is what happens in real life. The respect you have for someone, the loyalty you feel for them, and the happiness they bring into your life.
I am glad my husband and I decided to work through everything we have been through. Although obstacles will still come up I can guarantee it will NEVER be like it was before and we will work together to make it through the next ones. We will not become part of the statistic.

If you're a married American, your marriage is between 40 and 50 percent likely to end in divorce.
If your parents were divorced, you're at least 40 percent more likely to get divorced than if they weren't. If your parents married others after divorcing, you're 91 percent more likely to get divorced. (our parents are divorced and got re-married)

Yes.. I am from Kansas...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Stupidity Does Not Remove us From the Grace of God

Suicide is not an option. We do not have the right to take our own lives. That belongs to God. But.... stupidity does not remove us from the grace of God.
Due to recent circumstances and prior ones I have been reading up on suicide being the unforgivable sin or not. According to the bible their is only one sin that is unforgivable and it can be found in Matthew 12:22-32. I know several catholics believe that suicide is a sure way into hell, but I have found information on the contrary. All sins are forgivable by God if forgiveness is asked for. The problem I see is if someone commits suicide it is too late to ask for forgiveness because the act has already been committed. So, it is up to God whether they are able to walk into the gates of Heaven or if they have to suffer eternity in hell. The only thing I know for sure, is it not my call to make and I am glad.
Suicide has once again forced itself into my life. I say forced because that is exactly how it feels. Life was continuing how it was supposed to when someone decided to take it into their own hands. They no longer wanted to live the life that God had planned for them, nor were they willing to wait until God decided their time was up. They made their own decision. Granted God did give us the right to make choices but I do not think this was the choice we were supposed to be taking.
Life can be hard, life can be tragic, life can be demanding, life can be frustrating... but life can also be happy, wonderful, and full of love. At what point do we decide enough is enough?? I don't think we should be able to make that decision. Who are we to take lives... including our own!!!
I have always seen, and always will see suicide as a selfish thing. I know their are some instances when suicide seems to be the best option. For example, someone who is ate up with cancer and suffering every minute of their life, or someone who is being continuously tortured. However, depression should not be a good reason to take your own life. There is medication, professionals, friends, family, and God to lean on so why take the easy way out with a bullet, pills, or knife?
I know suicide will continue no matter what my feelings are, but I wish people who see that there is help out there. There is something more to life that what you are currently feeling!! And once again....
Suicide is not an option. We do not have the right to take our own lives. That belongs to God. But.... stupidity does not remove us from the grace of God.
i hope you r.i.p. tommy... you made the decision this time, but God has the final one

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Just the Beginning

Growing up I have always loved children and knew one day I wanted to have three children of my own. I wanted three because I come from a family of three children. When I say a family of three children I mean generations of three children. My mother and father both came from a family of three children, and my mother also had three children of her own. So, I also thought I would have three children of my own.

My boyfriend and I thought we wanted to start having children at 18 so we wouldn’t be too old to play with our children. So basically we were not the smartest kids! Thankfully we did not get pregnant until I was 20. When I became pregnant it was three days before my wedding, and I found out after returning from my honeymoon. The new chapter of my life became very quickly overwhelming. I was newly married and soon to become a mother.

As my friends were going out to party and celebrate their 21st birthdays, I was working, sleeping, and getting fat. On my 21st birthday I was almost 5 months pregnant so my celebration was a couple sips of wine with my husband and a few friends. As the months dragged on I started to lose touch with my friends who were able to go out on their own and started to resent my unborn child. I would lie on the couch rubbing my belly and think about my life. I was 21 years old, newly married, employed full time on a midnight shift, still taking college courses, and I was pregnant. I had a tiny human being growing inside me. It was so surreal I never gave the unborn child much thought.

My mother threw me a baby shower where hardly anyone could be bothered to show up and I started to accumulate stuff for this thing… this child. People kept giving me clothes, diapers, and all the other necessary things for the kid. I had a whole closet full of things and a crib bought by my mother in law. I was set to welcome this child into the world. Well, I had the stuff for the kid, but I did not have the mindset.

                Born July 16, 2007 my son was that wiggling, crying, red looking thing they removed from my body. They took it out, weight it, wiped it off, and stuck it on my chest. My husband and I gave him the name Talan Kain as we had agreed upon a couple months into my pregnancy.   I thought there would be this instant connection that people talk about. Instead I was just looking at it for a couple minutes before the rest of my family came in. Talan was passed around from family member to family member and I was glad I did not have to hold him again.

                I was tired and ready for some sleep but the nurses brought in the baby and said he would have to sleep in my room so I could learn how to get up with him. They were not kidding about having to get up with the kid. He would cry every couple of hours and my husband would just continue to snore in the chair next to the bed. So, I got up with my “too many to count” stitches, bulging hemorrhoids, bleeding vaginal area, and a bladder that could hold no more than a sip of water to feed this wailing thing. The nurses came in the next day to get him so I could get some rest, but sure enough they brought him back again the next night. It was the same thing that night too.

By the third day it was time to go home. Home, where I could not call a nurse if I needed help. Home, where my snoring husband would sleep through everything. Home, where I had to have this kid by myself. My anxiety level was through the ceiling but I told no one. I plastered a smile on my face like I was happy to be a mother and headed home. I still had 5 more weeks to be off work before I needed to return to help with the family income. Within the first couple of days of being home I dropped 30 pounds instantly. I went to the doctor who thought I had a thyroid problem, which was not the case. He gave me a list of symptoms for post-partum and I took them home. When my husband got home from work we went over them and I told him I thought I was suffering from several on the lists. He assured me I was not so I kept on trying to be a mother.

I would feed him when I was supposed to and change him when he needed it. Sometimes I would sit on the couch and hold him but mostly I put him in a swing or bouncer seat. I still did not feel the connection I was supposed to. I would sometimes have dreams about him dying of SIDS and what I would do without a child. Then I would wake up in a panic and check on him.

When he we almost 6 weeks old I returned to work. I was ready to be away from the baby! Instead of getting the break I so desperately needed I got less sleep and less help. I would work from midnight to 8am then come home to take care of the baby. Usually he would sleep til 9 so I had about an hour of sleep before I had to be up with him all day. My husband would get home at 4 something, but was usually unavailable to watch the baby, so I continued on with little sleep. Most of the time when I finally got the baby down for the night I would get a couple more hours before having to be back at work.

My husband then started to tell me the baby never woke up and slept through the night. I was very excited he was sleeping through the night at only 6 weeks old because I needed sleep on my days off. As I soon came to find out, he was not sleeping through the night, my husband was. So even on my days off I averaged a couple hours of sleep a day. It was the most exhausting time.

 It took several months for me to form a connection with my son, but once it was there it could never be broken. Endless feedings became a time for me to snuggle him and changing his diapers were a chance to try and make him smile instead of cry. Motherhood began to take on a new light and that light keep me going on the little sleep I was continuing to get. The years began to pass and the time began to fly. To remember all of the little things I began to scrapbook and make notes. My son became my whole world and my constant source of laughter.

Although things started out a bit rocky and required some deep soul searching, they have turned into the best years of my life.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Memorial Day Flowers... For me... or For you??

I am 26 years old and I already have two huge bags full of flowers for graves. Every year I visit the places my friends and family were buried and I place fake flowers by their headstones. To many it is a sign of respect to the dead. To me it is a reminder of how much I missed them.

I missed having Josh in my class and sitting behind him while he talked about Utah Jazz. I missed having Jason in my class being loud and crazy! I miss having Kyle walk through my yard or stopping to ask if I wanted to play football. I miss Briar and his sense of humor and Kandy and her love for Christ. I miss Lisa and her smile from the second pew. I miss Mark and his ability to just be around when I was playing with his daughter, I miss Craig and the joy he brought to his son's lives, I miss Zeb and Justin and their friendship with my brother, I miss Tracy and her love for her small little girl, I miss Grandpa, everything about him, Nick THE soldier :)  the list goes on... There are so many people that have graced us with their presence for 40 years and some who graced us with 10 years.

Out of respect for them we place flowers on their graves even though we know there is nothing there. Under that headstone is dirt which covers the casket that holds the bones. But the bones are just bones, the ashes are just ashes. I know they are in heaven now having more joy they we can ever imagine. I just hope they are saving a place for me!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Zoo What????

Today my son was pretending to pay his dad to go into the zoo. He would walk up and give his dad his "money" then dad would open the "gate" (move his legs) and my kiddo would push his stroller through to see the animals. As a family we have went to the zoo several times but it got me thinking....

We pay money to look at animals in cages... I was starting to wonder if this was just an American thing or if it was also common in other countries. Also, the zoos here in the states have several "exotic" animals we would only see in other countries... so do other countries have North American animals?? So, I did a bit of research and here is what I found....

Other countries rarely have North American animals in their zoos, but some do. For example, there is a zoo in Bangkok that has a rattlesnake but nothing else from North America. The more I researched the more I was disgusted with what I saw. I read up on zoo located in China. This zoo has animals in tiny little cages with concrete floors. Where is the grass? Where is the freedom to move about?? Below is a pic. take from Bejing Wildlife Park

Below is a pic of a cage the size of a jail cell taken at Higashiyam​a Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Japan. This is a sloth bear and he has a tiny little cell to leave in....

This next picture was also taken in Japan at Hirakawa Zoological Park. I thought zoos were supposed to be used to help animals and rehabilitate them...

Mistreatment continues in Canda at Hirakawa Zoological Park. Really how many animals do we need to squeeze into a room??

I am not trying to say other countries do not take care of their animals and we do. In fact, I read that there are several zoos in China that take good care of their animals. I just got a thought in my head and when I started looking at things it really got me thinking....

Thursday, April 19, 2012

You Can't Stop Change

To change life, or just leave it has it is... things are the things I ponder. Soon I will be finishing my bachelors in human services with an emphasis in victim/survivor services. I have worked hard to obtain this degree. Before I am done I will have completed FOUR 180 hour internships plus 5 semesters of FULL course loads. Along with going to school, and having internships I also work full time and have a four year old son.

At my current job I work evening shift which I love because I do not have to be up at any certain time every day so I can just let me son wake me whenever he gets out of bed. However, starting in August I will be working 20 hours (during the day) a week an hour drive away from my house and then working my full time job from 5-1 at night, and my son will be 5 and going to school from 8-3. For four months I will hardly ever see my son and it upsets me a lot. I am used to being with him all the time and I do not want to give that up. However, if I do not graduate (i am so close) then I did all the work for nothing... if I do graduate I will need to get a different job... SCARY!!!

I have been at my current place of employment for almost 6 years. Change is so scary. On top of that my family and I were thinking about moving to Colorado. I would love to have a "day job" so I can spend nights with my family, but the change scares me....

Monday, April 16, 2012

Relay for Life

So, it is getting to be the time for Relay for Life. I am looking forward to getting to know more SURVIVORS!! As you would know my preacher's wife Lisa recently passed away from lung cancer and our church is putting together a team called "Lisa's Zebras" so participate in the Relay for Life.

In 2005 I lost my paternal grandfather to lung cancer also. Relay for Life is done to help raise money for cancer research! What we have now in painful chemo treatments. A friend of mine is currently battling bone cancer and she has some days where she cannot get out of bed to spend time with her children. Supporting finding the cure for cancer is very dear to my heart. If anyone wants to help that would be so awesome!!!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

A Little Over a Year Later

It has been over a year since I was in Haiti but the stories I heard and the things I saw are always going to be with me. When I was there I witnessed a delivery of 8 lb baby girl twins. I held baby A while baby B was making her way into the world. Baby A was later named Gabriella. I like to think Baby A (Gabriella) got her first hugs and loves from me....

Since then I have learned Gabriella's father passed away and both twins were given up for adoption. They were adopted by Yvrose who I got to know while I was in Haiti. She is a very nice woman who loves children. She has several children she did not give birth to but that does not stop her from loving them. I first meet Yvrose when we were doing surgery on one of her sons, she was in the room with us and had to help hold down his legs. She held her sons legs and cried and I just put my hand on her back in the only form of comfort I could offer at the time. He did not take the anesthetic well and the surgery was not done.

I found out recently Gabriella passed away. Yvrose contacted me on facebook and said "She got sick with a fever the night before, which was gone after taking medication; she had it again in the morning and Pierre Richard took him Wednesday morning to the hospital. She was transfered by HCM to PAP, two hospitals refused her for lack of space, she was already losing oxygen. When He arrived with her at the others hospital where she died, 6 american doctors cared for her for like 8-9 hours. They said that it was an infection on her brain. She is with her real daddy. I wish she were with us here"

Rest in peace sweet baby. God had a plan for you and you must have meet His plan. You will always be in my heart even if I only knew you for a short time. Can't wait to get to heaven and hold you again baby A :)

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Tax Time... BLAH

The month of Feb. is usually about people and their taxes. I get to hear about how they are getting 10,000 dollars back even though they only worked part time. Or getting 12,000 dollars back because they have three kids and did not work all year. Well... good for you I guess... Honestly it just irritates me. What you get back for your taxes should be your business because those of us who get little to nothing after working all year do not want to hear about it.

I would be happy if I could get back at least what I paid in. No such luck on that. The state of Kansas also likes to take MORE money from my family because obviously 3 grand was not enough. Pretty sure the people on unemployment and welfare do not have to pay into state or federal but STILL get money back!

Okay, so I am not doggin on welfare people or unemployed people. I am simply saying don't rub it in my face that you have been sitting on your butt all year and get backs thousands while my husband and I worked all year and got back... WAY LESS THAN THOUSANDS!!! If people need welfare, I say go for it. If they need unemployment, go for it! But why does the government give them back tons of money but being on it??

I constantly get the same answer... "you make too much money".. REALLY?? If you saw my checking account balance or the bills I pay every month you would not make that assumption. So I say Dear Kansas, give me some food stamps, cash assistance, pay my rent, pay my utilities, then send me 10 grand at the beginning of the New Year...

Usually I don't get too worked up about tax season because I just pay what I have to pay to Kansas. And I am thankful if I break even on federal. But this year I filed then received a letter from the state of Kansas. They want MORE money because apparently the amount I paid last year wasn't good enough!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Thanks Dream Crusher

As the semester started out I was pretty stoked because I knew it meant one semester closer to accomplishing my goal of a Bachelor's degree in Human Services with an emphasis in Victim/Survivor Services. I have been looking at jobs recently in Colorado that require my degree so I can find a job before my family moves to Colorado. So... I found a job that I really felt I would be good at and enjoy it was "child protection case worker." Well, one of my professors asked us what our career goal was, so I told her. Her response "You can't do that in Kansas unless you have a degree in Social Work" My response "Is that true for Colorado too because I saw the job posting and it stated "Bachelors in Social Work or similar degree" and of course I had to add p.s. now I have to look for a new career...thanks"

So, in the first week of this semester I have had one professor crush my dreams... I only have four other professors this semester so I don't think I could get crushed much more.....